Well. The goddamn McCain food empire of Canada has gone and done it now.

Leave it to me, your pissed-off anti-censorship Leaf fan to make a big deal out of some television commercials. Yeah, I realize that my own anger seems borderline censor-like in its own way, but hear me out on this one. I am speaking out of annoyance, perhaps a voice of the disillusioned second and third generation children born in this country of Italian descent, and I feel it is my responsibility to clear up some things so horribly miscommunicated in the new McCain pizza ads.

Youve seen them the darkhaired teenagers sitting by the poolside (with marble and concrete decorations looming in the background somewhere, Im sure, and the I-Roc in the driveway of that same house in the commercial with a red pepper hanging from the rearview mirror. It would fit right into place, actually) splashing about as the camera moves from face to face lets call them Giovanni, Maria, Concetta, and Luigi as they answer this question: whats it like to be Italian?

So they respond: "Its, like, everything!". Thankfully, they elaborate. One says something about immense amounts of food, another remarks on family. Well, then. That wraps it up. Food and family. Thats everything. Thats what being Italian is about, apparently. And then the camera flashes a shot of the McCain Crescendo pizza (what the hell is crescendo anyway?), and leaves us to discover if this frozen cardboard rubbish may actually have some semblace of so-called "authentic Italian taste."

If there is anything I get from that commercial, its that some advertisers have become so bored with their line of work that they can barely even attempt to film something somewhat creative, and revert to calling on familiar and beloved ideals which are not only highly stereotypical but also highly retarded. Okay, many Italian families cook a lot. Many Italian families are close knit. The fact that it was so boringly put forth like that is perhaps why I find those stupid-ass commercials so innane.

The other commercial, with another two Italian siblings answering the same question about what its like to be Italian, reply by emulating the hand-speak of their parents who not only talk with their hands but in Italian, imagining that their children cant understand them. This drivel is equally ass-wipe like and therefore leaves me convinced that McCain has gone so far into its cultural exploitation that they left out of the other McCain ethnic pizza commercials that the next thing they should venture into would be a horrible new brand of fried chicken with a southern black family sporting their love of it. "Whats it like to be black?"

A smiling young man should smile with a gap-toothed grin and reply: "Its like, everything, sho nuff! Want some watermelon?"

I realize that Canada is a country which preaches the importance of keeping to your cultural roots, and I encourage all people to do that. Culture certainly nurtures our identity and helps us to connect to the past. But why should a company called McCain be allowed to market pizza, (and while were on the subject, most die-hard wops would rather be caught dead than purchase a frozen pizza made in some factory by a company named McCain..hows that for a stereotype?) by using very old, very boring, and very dated cultural representations which somehow should elicit that their pizza is by any means Italian like in its taste or form?

Mangiacainyou bunch of pricks. You should be busy with your french fries (or Scottish fries, really) and your frozen juices. You want to make pizza, be my guest. But dont imagine that your rediculous fuckhead ads are going to make me mangia-mange your shitty food.

NIKKI VENTS!!! ARRRGGHHH!!!